* Chirpy chirp Guzz *

~ 02 august 2006 ~

I have to blog this because it's been going on too long. The dog is either too kind or just lazy .

At first it was cute when I noticed some birds would perch on his food bowl and help themselves while he sat a short distance away watching the road. He knew they were there and he was fine with it. Sometimes they'd be on the floor walking about around him while he sits there, smiling.

Yes, my dog has a smile or at least a pleasant face when he is at ease. I live near a school and the kids mostly can't resist calling out at him when he sits at the gate watching them. Many who have waited in front of my place for their rides tend to pat him and the bugger likes it. Some watchdog.

He likes kids and people. Little Vincent from next door, about a year and half years old; is one of Guzz's favourite. When I used to chat with his mum over the fence, Guzz would stand on my flower pots (which stood in between us) for better leverage so as to get a better look at the small boy.

Now Vincent is wobbling around on his own and whenever Guzz hears him outside, he is there paws up on the wall, trying to peer into the other side. Even Vincent is getting used to Guzz and has sometimes put a hand through the fence to touch Guzz. Very touching sight actually, brings tears to your eyes as these two slowly connect....HAHAHAHA

Anyway, back to the birds.....they are a pain. They get together on my gate, 'chirp chirping' non stop at the top of their high voices without any consideration. Sometimes they start so early, I can't sleep. I honestly didn't find them a bother until they started showing their ungrateful side.

Those birds poo everywhere. They poo down my gate, my wall, my car, Guzz's doghouse and even on my porch floor when the car isn't there! It was so annoying cos sometimes by the time I get back, it's been there a couple of days and God knows what they eat, it is quite difficult to totally clean off some of it! Plus these ungrateful free loaders sometimes poo in poor Guzz's water bowl and feed bowl!

Talk about manners. I've been barking at Guzz for some time about it now and he occassionally does a 'shoo' when I am within sight. He even allows Mickey around. My neighbour said he's seen a tiny head bop over the bowl a few times. The dog is sharing his food with the rat!

I once saw a rat run across the front of my house. It saw me coming out and it ran as fast as it could from the direction of my flower pots! And where was my trusted watchdog? Relaxing in the center of the porch and not a twitch when the fella scurried away right in front of his eyes!!

When I shouted then did Guzz realise I was behind him and he quickly did a big show of jumping up and running to where we last saw mickey's tail disappear! Oh..he put up a good show alright, turning abruptly at the scene of disappearance then towards me and then sniffed along the starting trail then again towards me....the whole show took a mere minute before I gave in to the tirade I released on him.

He looked pretty contrite as I berated him about the birds and now mickey. Blah, blah, blah and he just sat there, trying to look as sorry as he could. Two days later, I almost died when I saw Sonny (remember him?) sniffing at something soft near the car door. Guzz had placed the dead mickey in front of the car door so that I won't miss it when I came out! Of course, he was praised and given rewards. I still cringe at how I had to rid off the dead rat. So soft and ...so soft. Urgh!

Anyway, everything is back to the beginning. The birds are back and new mickeys around cos they had actually come into my house and gnawed on the bottom of his biscuits box. And I am back to barking at him about it and he does his song and dance quite a bit since.

Honestly, I don't mind the birds and mickey. As long as they stay outside and not mess up my place or attack my things, it's okay. But my dog....he is just too kind to them and somedays I don't know whether to squeeze every breath out of him in anger or squeeze him with love for his kind soul.

Sigh.........

* get over it *

~ 01st august 2006 ~

After blogging my fears of an impending trip yesterday, I watched The Skeleton Key starring Kate Hudson. Wasn't a wee bit afraid during or after. The idea was, as I could not sleep, I might as well watch a movie and as this was the nearest, I thought to myself, "why not? Since I am already spooked, maybe this might help."

Well, the only good thing that came out of the whole thing was I managed to sleep through the whole night without waking up several times as usual. Maybe cos I was too exhausted with the lacking and disturbed sleep lately.

My friend offered to book me a room at a hotel nearby but I turned it down as I am travelling in a group. He said he's been to the same hotel many times and nothing has happened to him. Assuring me that room 1002 is haunted cos he's been there! Haha?

Look. I am not saying as if everyone who stays there will by affected by this ghost. It's just a story I heard from friends who knew some people who were and it's all playing in my mind now. That's all.

Why do we let our minds think this way to scare ourselves? It's so stupid is it not? But is that not the trappings of the human mind? Some see things that are not there; some hear voices; some believe themselves incapable of doing certain things when they are in every way capable; some others think they are in full control ( these scare me...:P ); some...like me, have over active imaginations.

Sad really at how we let our minds control us yet that is the one thing we depend on a lot. Our minds keep us informed and thinking and moving. Just that some of us get carried away in other areas brought on by our weaknesses or chemical imbalances in the brain or whatever.

Anyway, I just wanna say ' Thank you ' to my friend for his valiant efforts to appease my mind today. A poor attempt at humour didn't really help as I needed more than words but coming from him who believes it's all in the mind, it was a nice gesture to offer some alternative and his cheers. Though I know that these were not his intentions, I did feel a slap in the face and an underlining message... "get over it" somewhere.

I guess I will have to get over with it as I am still going and I will be on my own and like it or not, face the whole damn shit! I wish I had a simpler mind and am not so easily spooked by these stories...It's not about being tough or strong or about believing in God or being able to handle it but... who am I to say?

So what's the verdict? Just bloody get over it!
Yeah....................................right!

* all in the mind *

~ 31st july 2006 ~

I have a problem. It's a curse actually to have an overactive imagination where the ghouls and haunts are concerned. Having to travel as often as I do, there are tons of stories out there of the 'other' side of the world where restless or tormented or vengeful or unsettled or even mischievous spirits roam about beside us. Sometimes we can feel their presences whether intentionally or not.

I am amongst the many living who rather not encounter any of these presences. No pun intended. However, on the couple of occasions I have felt which are mildly cold chills and once the sound of the light switch being turned on and off too many times....I learnt to keep my mouth shut and start saying my prayers.

Whether you do believe these exist is one thing and to experience is another. I have had several close shaves where I was almost possessed but with friends who do believe, helped me out of them.

Through them I learnt that we cannot defy their existence and that not all of them are bad. There is no reason why we can't live side by side as long as we keep to our own spaces and not provoke anything unbecoming.

Movies like the Six Sense and The Others....those were really good twists with a tinge of sadness to the souls who didn't realise. Would some of us experience such twists in our time who knows? I wouldn't want to. In fact, nobody in their right frame of mind would want to.

Sadly, my over active imagination is the ultimate silent killer where stories like these are told. Mind you, I do enjoy watching horror movies and don't scream like some people do when the going gets frightening. I can sometimes shout out like a movie director at the actors on what to do during the movie.

I have actually learnt to cope quite well on my own but lately, a colleague told a story of a woman in a hotel bathroom who stares at you from the mirror on a certain floor ( heck! My hair is standing now!!! ) and I am going there very soon.

That scene has played over and over in my mind for a long time and I have not had a proper night's sleep since I found out I have a trip there this week. The last time I was there which was when I heard the tale, I had a hard time going to the loo. The showers I took were so fast and I never stopped praying. I was so afraid of looking into the mirror and I was exhausted by the time I checked out! A total mess!!

Now, my mind keeps reminding me and I am already a big mass of nerves waiting to scream uncontrollably. I just can't help it! Somehow or other, this particular story has affected me and I am scared shitless. Honestly, this is no boost to my ego blogging this openly.

I asked a friend to come stay the night with me but he said I have to conquer this on my own! Yeah right. Spend the whole bloody day out, wandering aimlessly to tire myself out so I can sleep the night without a care ( yeah right! ) and stay in bed and hold in whatever just so to avoid going to the loo as often as possible! Yeah, a whole bloody good it's gonna do me when I leave, bloodshot eyes, body puffed up from all the bladder control and a mass of nerves from lack of sleep! I'll probably look like a ghost when I get to work then. YEAH...........

' It's all in the mind', he said. ' If you believe in God, nothing can touch you.' Well my dear friend, it is in my mind and no matter how hard I try to control it, this is one area I have a huge weakness in. It's about the workings of my ' small ' mind and how it is spooking me even before I can get there!

Doesn't matter if the story is true or not, it's already there, stuck in my head and it's already starting its horrid works on me and if you can't be bothered to be supportive of my stupid mind and fears, just say so.

I can cope with pain and rejection and disappointments and bad news and realities and deaths, etc. But this.....it is already in my head and I just can't shake it off. Sure, I believe in God and that He wouldn't let horrible things happen to us but He can't control our minds cos we have to do it ourselves and I just can't cope with this particular place.

Anyway, I will do the trip and if I have to survive the whole 'mind' thing on my own, what else can I say? All I can do is pray a lot and very hard and ask God not to let her or my mind spook me! I just hope I don't come back looking like one.

My other fear is I won't end up hurting myself dashing in and out of the bath in my haste...oh well, ' all in the mind '.

* living in a suitcase *

~ 27th August 2006 ~

Oh wow! It's about 3 months since my last entry. Now that's procrastination.
Yet again, I do have my reasons....call them excuses but all the same......reasons....

1. My sister came back on a month holiday in May with her good friend and in between work and leave, was busy driving, entertaining, eating, chilling.....
2. It took me another week to recover from their visit before I could settle slowly into my normal routine.
3. I was sent on long trips so often, I was quite jet lag recovering in between time zones.
4. Yeah, yeah...with all the rushing about and recoveries, etc; I was too tired and lazy to type or think for that matter.

So what's happened this morning? I woke up at 4am, my mind is so busy I could not get a good shut eye for the rest of the morning. I wrote an email, had breakfast and just discovered my dog's box of biscuits had a huge hole in the bottom corner, courtesy of Mickey's friends or relatives!

So I guess I have been inspired to write...haha! Yet the subject in mind is not related to anything I have mentioned earlier except work...well, partly.

My job takes me away from home very often and I am usually 'off' about 10-15 days tops every month. Sometimes I go away for a week or more, sometimes less and others, just for the day. Through all my years of travelling, I have acquired 3 suitcases. Two large ones and a smaller one for short trips. And you can find lots of stuff in them when I am not travelling because I cant be bothered to clear them out everytime I get back except soiled clothes and perishables.

Living in a suitcase most of the month has made me noticed something really bad happening in my larder and fridge. It's a living haven for expired goodies. A perfect laboratory to scientists and an absolute disgust to health environmentalists.

Yes, I used to buy loads of chocolates and biscuits from around the world with sincere intentions to give them away to family and friends and to scoff some myself in front of the telly on my off days. Somehow, the ones intended for sole scoffing end up still alive for months after as I am too tired to scoff or sick or just plain forget them when I do get better!

When I do remember, I find them perfect as gifts but I have to check the expiry dates first. Sadly these days, I seem to remember them a little too late, sometimes way too late! Yet the thought of dumping them into the bin seems such a waste...I would check them first and if they look and taste as good as they should, errr.......yeah, then I scoff them. So far I have been blessed without a fatal rash or breakouts or food poisoning after consuming the so called expired goodies.

The lesson I have learnt now is not to buy or at least, just the minimum for the family and friends. No more for sole scoffing or stashing for future giveaways,etc and it has been a very good saver's deed to my pocket ~ grin.

I even had to learn to stop stocking my freezer with meats of all kinds as I hardly have time to cook. A visit to the market is uncontrollable as I come home with various varieties of vegetables and spices and meats and seafood....My mum would shake her head and I noticed lately I have a pack of sausages from early this year or was it the year before? Some lovely german frankfurters.

I guess most of you must be shaking your heads in disgust, I know. But that's what living in a suitcase does to you. When you are away, you plan to cook something you missed when you get home. You pop to the market, get everything you need and pick up what you may need or don't need and before you know it, you've got more than you need. Then time runs out on you and you can't use up all of them and you tell yourself, 'when I get back....' and when you do, you either sort it out or you forget about it.

Yes, I am learning to stop all this nonsense. Been reading the news about food being frozen and kept past expiry dates etc and the bacterias and stuff that grows ..... I must add that not every person who lives in a suitcase like me are doing the same but I have heard of similar stories from fellow friends.

So what is the moral of this story? Don't stock up unnecessarily and allow for unwanted beings in your food larders and fridges. Take good care of your health and value what you have.

As for me, I am going to die of some weird disease when I get old and one day, some smart ass is gonna say, " It's all about living in a suitcase".

* grimace *

* the right one *

A friend asked me a few times before, "How do you know if he's the one? The right one?" "Well...." I said, " you'll know lah somehow...like gut instincts"

Then again, when I look back into my few past relationships (so few I still have balance fingers if counting on just one hand!); they were actually quite doomed cases but I went through them like...you got it! They were the ones!

I lived them, took all their stories, their excuses, their terms and their limited support while I gave them my youth, my tolerance, my support and so on. All in the name of LOVE.
I'm not saying I was the perfect girl friend nor were they the perfect men though at that time they did...but I learnt a lot of things from them.

Like patience, tolerance, being supportive, turning many blind eyes, making excuses, laughing, crying, compassion, understanding, independance (especially after a break up!), living together, sharing, not sharing, accepting, compromising and on and on and on....but most of all...TRUST.

These guys demanded 100% trust of me and I did and...the rest you can figure. I am the ultimate loyal nut ok and I'd even turn my back on my own flesh and blood for the man...well at least 80%.

So I am now without a man since 2000. I tried to open my heart to a few but they didn't reciprocate as I had hoped. Then last year, an old friend turned up and sparks flew and I was all hooked! Sadly, he backed out. What can I say?

Well what I am trying to say my dear friend, I have come to the conclusion that there is no 'the right one'. It's all a myth! Because at the end of day, even if you are sure he is the right one, it may not work out.

I figured that the right one does not fall on your lap or doorstep whatever. The right one is when you are sure of your feelings for him (vv) and you work at keeping it right with a clear head and compromise and trust. And as long as that works out, then you are right to make it the right one.

Am I making sense? Sorry...what with what I have gone through...this is my conclusion of the right one. In short, make the best of what you have and all will be right.

Right? :)

P/S: to those of you who have found their right ones, hallelujah! (No pun intended.)

to those of us who have not or yet to have....if you love them enough, make the best of it. Too much to ask? You to decide.

Shalom.

* Fei tut tut ~ part 3 *

Alas! My Sonny has left the nest today. I had just taken him to his new home. Thankfully he was very comfortable with my mum's friend but a bit perplexed as we left.

As he's always been travelling with me in the car to my friends' homes and playing with their dogs, he must have thought this was the same old routine. Boy, he's gonna be wondering why I have not come back later.

Sigh....it's sad when you have to let go. He must have sensed something amiss since yesterday. He'd been less active with his jaws on me and actually tailed me more often than usual.

The only consolation I have is that he has a good loving home and a one year old female german shepherd to reckon with. With his personality, he'll bring her around to his side easily.

My nephew and help came along cos they are close to him whenever I am not around. It was no doubt a subdued mood in the car as we left and I drove to the nearest Indian shop to get some curries for dinner. That kinda helped a bit.

I went home and Guzz was buzzing about looking for him. It felt quiet without Sonny running around and jumping at Guzz or going after my plants....

Someone told me, 'if you love somebody you have to let him free' and how true. Just because this is the cutest stage and we are all getting attached.... it wouldn't be fair to let his new owners not share in his cute stages....

Sigh...I miss him already. 'Next time' I told my nephew, 'we take it straight to the centre' in case he does it again. The attachment and the love to Sonny aka Fei tut tut aka Killer aka Cute cute aka Dow is very strong on my part cos the rascal sleeps with me on my bed every night!

Well my dear darling son....God has led you to this good home close to us, where we can visit you anytime. PLease do not continue the biting business as it's not a lucrative deal and just keep flashing those cute grins and adorable eyes to melt the hardest of hearts as you push your limits.

We will not forget you Benson aka Sonny aka Fei tut tut aka Cute cute aka Dow aka Killer. You have brought so much joy to us and may you continue to do so in your new home.

Woof! Woof!

* Another day *

Waking to the sound of cars whizzing by
The bed boards creak as I struggle to get up.
Err...wait! Could be my bones creaking!
Take a few deep breaths
fresh air awakening my senses...
Another huff and I take my first step.
Radio blaring above the shower,
hear a frog joining in the chorus.
Err... wait! That ain't no frog!

Put on my clothes and dry my hair.
Slip in my shoes and grab my bags.
Follow my nose to the nearest shop
Order my breakfast no hesitations.
Coffee slowly waking my brain cells
gonna need it because
It's another new day
Wonder what's in store.
All good I hope...
otherwise I'm going back to bed!

( another :P )

~ 27 april 2004 ~

*get what you get*

There've been days when I sit down
with my pencil and book.
And the words just gush out
losing some along the way.
Then there've been days I sit and I sit...
wracking my head till it hurts
Not a word, no no.
So I up and leave in a blazing fit
Truly, like a drama queen.

Some days you have it
trying so hard to keep with the flow
Your hand starts to ache
scribbling as fast as you can
Blood rushing to your head
You think you're gonna explode!

Then the days that you don't
pencil in your hand
empty page in your face
dull ache in your head.
'Writer's block' they say.
I say 'there ain't nothing there today.'

So face it, some days you have it
Some days you don't.
It's good old fashion summing
You get what you get.

:P

~ 27th April 2004 ~