* all in the mind *

~ 31st july 2006 ~

I have a problem. It's a curse actually to have an overactive imagination where the ghouls and haunts are concerned. Having to travel as often as I do, there are tons of stories out there of the 'other' side of the world where restless or tormented or vengeful or unsettled or even mischievous spirits roam about beside us. Sometimes we can feel their presences whether intentionally or not.

I am amongst the many living who rather not encounter any of these presences. No pun intended. However, on the couple of occasions I have felt which are mildly cold chills and once the sound of the light switch being turned on and off too many times....I learnt to keep my mouth shut and start saying my prayers.

Whether you do believe these exist is one thing and to experience is another. I have had several close shaves where I was almost possessed but with friends who do believe, helped me out of them.

Through them I learnt that we cannot defy their existence and that not all of them are bad. There is no reason why we can't live side by side as long as we keep to our own spaces and not provoke anything unbecoming.

Movies like the Six Sense and The Others....those were really good twists with a tinge of sadness to the souls who didn't realise. Would some of us experience such twists in our time who knows? I wouldn't want to. In fact, nobody in their right frame of mind would want to.

Sadly, my over active imagination is the ultimate silent killer where stories like these are told. Mind you, I do enjoy watching horror movies and don't scream like some people do when the going gets frightening. I can sometimes shout out like a movie director at the actors on what to do during the movie.

I have actually learnt to cope quite well on my own but lately, a colleague told a story of a woman in a hotel bathroom who stares at you from the mirror on a certain floor ( heck! My hair is standing now!!! ) and I am going there very soon.

That scene has played over and over in my mind for a long time and I have not had a proper night's sleep since I found out I have a trip there this week. The last time I was there which was when I heard the tale, I had a hard time going to the loo. The showers I took were so fast and I never stopped praying. I was so afraid of looking into the mirror and I was exhausted by the time I checked out! A total mess!!

Now, my mind keeps reminding me and I am already a big mass of nerves waiting to scream uncontrollably. I just can't help it! Somehow or other, this particular story has affected me and I am scared shitless. Honestly, this is no boost to my ego blogging this openly.

I asked a friend to come stay the night with me but he said I have to conquer this on my own! Yeah right. Spend the whole bloody day out, wandering aimlessly to tire myself out so I can sleep the night without a care ( yeah right! ) and stay in bed and hold in whatever just so to avoid going to the loo as often as possible! Yeah, a whole bloody good it's gonna do me when I leave, bloodshot eyes, body puffed up from all the bladder control and a mass of nerves from lack of sleep! I'll probably look like a ghost when I get to work then. YEAH...........

' It's all in the mind', he said. ' If you believe in God, nothing can touch you.' Well my dear friend, it is in my mind and no matter how hard I try to control it, this is one area I have a huge weakness in. It's about the workings of my ' small ' mind and how it is spooking me even before I can get there!

Doesn't matter if the story is true or not, it's already there, stuck in my head and it's already starting its horrid works on me and if you can't be bothered to be supportive of my stupid mind and fears, just say so.

I can cope with pain and rejection and disappointments and bad news and realities and deaths, etc. But this.....it is already in my head and I just can't shake it off. Sure, I believe in God and that He wouldn't let horrible things happen to us but He can't control our minds cos we have to do it ourselves and I just can't cope with this particular place.

Anyway, I will do the trip and if I have to survive the whole 'mind' thing on my own, what else can I say? All I can do is pray a lot and very hard and ask God not to let her or my mind spook me! I just hope I don't come back looking like one.

My other fear is I won't end up hurting myself dashing in and out of the bath in my haste...oh well, ' all in the mind '.

* living in a suitcase *

~ 27th August 2006 ~

Oh wow! It's about 3 months since my last entry. Now that's procrastination.
Yet again, I do have my reasons....call them excuses but all the same......reasons....

1. My sister came back on a month holiday in May with her good friend and in between work and leave, was busy driving, entertaining, eating, chilling.....
2. It took me another week to recover from their visit before I could settle slowly into my normal routine.
3. I was sent on long trips so often, I was quite jet lag recovering in between time zones.
4. Yeah, yeah...with all the rushing about and recoveries, etc; I was too tired and lazy to type or think for that matter.

So what's happened this morning? I woke up at 4am, my mind is so busy I could not get a good shut eye for the rest of the morning. I wrote an email, had breakfast and just discovered my dog's box of biscuits had a huge hole in the bottom corner, courtesy of Mickey's friends or relatives!

So I guess I have been inspired to write...haha! Yet the subject in mind is not related to anything I have mentioned earlier except work...well, partly.

My job takes me away from home very often and I am usually 'off' about 10-15 days tops every month. Sometimes I go away for a week or more, sometimes less and others, just for the day. Through all my years of travelling, I have acquired 3 suitcases. Two large ones and a smaller one for short trips. And you can find lots of stuff in them when I am not travelling because I cant be bothered to clear them out everytime I get back except soiled clothes and perishables.

Living in a suitcase most of the month has made me noticed something really bad happening in my larder and fridge. It's a living haven for expired goodies. A perfect laboratory to scientists and an absolute disgust to health environmentalists.

Yes, I used to buy loads of chocolates and biscuits from around the world with sincere intentions to give them away to family and friends and to scoff some myself in front of the telly on my off days. Somehow, the ones intended for sole scoffing end up still alive for months after as I am too tired to scoff or sick or just plain forget them when I do get better!

When I do remember, I find them perfect as gifts but I have to check the expiry dates first. Sadly these days, I seem to remember them a little too late, sometimes way too late! Yet the thought of dumping them into the bin seems such a waste...I would check them first and if they look and taste as good as they should, errr.......yeah, then I scoff them. So far I have been blessed without a fatal rash or breakouts or food poisoning after consuming the so called expired goodies.

The lesson I have learnt now is not to buy or at least, just the minimum for the family and friends. No more for sole scoffing or stashing for future giveaways,etc and it has been a very good saver's deed to my pocket ~ grin.

I even had to learn to stop stocking my freezer with meats of all kinds as I hardly have time to cook. A visit to the market is uncontrollable as I come home with various varieties of vegetables and spices and meats and seafood....My mum would shake her head and I noticed lately I have a pack of sausages from early this year or was it the year before? Some lovely german frankfurters.

I guess most of you must be shaking your heads in disgust, I know. But that's what living in a suitcase does to you. When you are away, you plan to cook something you missed when you get home. You pop to the market, get everything you need and pick up what you may need or don't need and before you know it, you've got more than you need. Then time runs out on you and you can't use up all of them and you tell yourself, 'when I get back....' and when you do, you either sort it out or you forget about it.

Yes, I am learning to stop all this nonsense. Been reading the news about food being frozen and kept past expiry dates etc and the bacterias and stuff that grows ..... I must add that not every person who lives in a suitcase like me are doing the same but I have heard of similar stories from fellow friends.

So what is the moral of this story? Don't stock up unnecessarily and allow for unwanted beings in your food larders and fridges. Take good care of your health and value what you have.

As for me, I am going to die of some weird disease when I get old and one day, some smart ass is gonna say, " It's all about living in a suitcase".

* grimace *

* the right one *

A friend asked me a few times before, "How do you know if he's the one? The right one?" "Well...." I said, " you'll know lah somehow...like gut instincts"

Then again, when I look back into my few past relationships (so few I still have balance fingers if counting on just one hand!); they were actually quite doomed cases but I went through them like...you got it! They were the ones!

I lived them, took all their stories, their excuses, their terms and their limited support while I gave them my youth, my tolerance, my support and so on. All in the name of LOVE.
I'm not saying I was the perfect girl friend nor were they the perfect men though at that time they did...but I learnt a lot of things from them.

Like patience, tolerance, being supportive, turning many blind eyes, making excuses, laughing, crying, compassion, understanding, independance (especially after a break up!), living together, sharing, not sharing, accepting, compromising and on and on and on....but most of all...TRUST.

These guys demanded 100% trust of me and I did and...the rest you can figure. I am the ultimate loyal nut ok and I'd even turn my back on my own flesh and blood for the man...well at least 80%.

So I am now without a man since 2000. I tried to open my heart to a few but they didn't reciprocate as I had hoped. Then last year, an old friend turned up and sparks flew and I was all hooked! Sadly, he backed out. What can I say?

Well what I am trying to say my dear friend, I have come to the conclusion that there is no 'the right one'. It's all a myth! Because at the end of day, even if you are sure he is the right one, it may not work out.

I figured that the right one does not fall on your lap or doorstep whatever. The right one is when you are sure of your feelings for him (vv) and you work at keeping it right with a clear head and compromise and trust. And as long as that works out, then you are right to make it the right one.

Am I making sense? Sorry...what with what I have gone through...this is my conclusion of the right one. In short, make the best of what you have and all will be right.

Right? :)

P/S: to those of you who have found their right ones, hallelujah! (No pun intended.)

to those of us who have not or yet to have....if you love them enough, make the best of it. Too much to ask? You to decide.

Shalom.

* Fei tut tut ~ part 3 *

Alas! My Sonny has left the nest today. I had just taken him to his new home. Thankfully he was very comfortable with my mum's friend but a bit perplexed as we left.

As he's always been travelling with me in the car to my friends' homes and playing with their dogs, he must have thought this was the same old routine. Boy, he's gonna be wondering why I have not come back later.

Sigh....it's sad when you have to let go. He must have sensed something amiss since yesterday. He'd been less active with his jaws on me and actually tailed me more often than usual.

The only consolation I have is that he has a good loving home and a one year old female german shepherd to reckon with. With his personality, he'll bring her around to his side easily.

My nephew and help came along cos they are close to him whenever I am not around. It was no doubt a subdued mood in the car as we left and I drove to the nearest Indian shop to get some curries for dinner. That kinda helped a bit.

I went home and Guzz was buzzing about looking for him. It felt quiet without Sonny running around and jumping at Guzz or going after my plants....

Someone told me, 'if you love somebody you have to let him free' and how true. Just because this is the cutest stage and we are all getting attached.... it wouldn't be fair to let his new owners not share in his cute stages....

Sigh...I miss him already. 'Next time' I told my nephew, 'we take it straight to the centre' in case he does it again. The attachment and the love to Sonny aka Fei tut tut aka Killer aka Cute cute aka Dow is very strong on my part cos the rascal sleeps with me on my bed every night!

Well my dear darling son....God has led you to this good home close to us, where we can visit you anytime. PLease do not continue the biting business as it's not a lucrative deal and just keep flashing those cute grins and adorable eyes to melt the hardest of hearts as you push your limits.

We will not forget you Benson aka Sonny aka Fei tut tut aka Cute cute aka Dow aka Killer. You have brought so much joy to us and may you continue to do so in your new home.

Woof! Woof!

* Another day *

Waking to the sound of cars whizzing by
The bed boards creak as I struggle to get up.
Err...wait! Could be my bones creaking!
Take a few deep breaths
fresh air awakening my senses...
Another huff and I take my first step.
Radio blaring above the shower,
hear a frog joining in the chorus.
Err... wait! That ain't no frog!

Put on my clothes and dry my hair.
Slip in my shoes and grab my bags.
Follow my nose to the nearest shop
Order my breakfast no hesitations.
Coffee slowly waking my brain cells
gonna need it because
It's another new day
Wonder what's in store.
All good I hope...
otherwise I'm going back to bed!

( another :P )

~ 27 april 2004 ~

*get what you get*

There've been days when I sit down
with my pencil and book.
And the words just gush out
losing some along the way.
Then there've been days I sit and I sit...
wracking my head till it hurts
Not a word, no no.
So I up and leave in a blazing fit
Truly, like a drama queen.

Some days you have it
trying so hard to keep with the flow
Your hand starts to ache
scribbling as fast as you can
Blood rushing to your head
You think you're gonna explode!

Then the days that you don't
pencil in your hand
empty page in your face
dull ache in your head.
'Writer's block' they say.
I say 'there ain't nothing there today.'

So face it, some days you have it
Some days you don't.
It's good old fashion summing
You get what you get.

:P

~ 27th April 2004 ~

* Fei tut tut ~ part two *

Remember Fei tut tut aka killer aka cute-cute aka sonny aka dow....well he just turned two months old on the 21st of March. And he is still with us...yes. The family he was due to stay with were too impatient to wait for him and they took another pup instead! I was crushed. Not because I want to get rid of him but I felt he had the right home to go to.

A shame really, I was all set to send him over this weekend but I guess it wasn't meant to be. I was quite upset after the phone call and I had to get away. Called a friend and packed up, Sonny and I left the house!

Believe me, if I had the opportunity, I'd keep him in a flash! He's such a darling when he's not biting. Haha! And he is so smart. He learnt to sit just after a month and knew what he could and could not do with his teeth.

Alas, as he is still so young, he now contradicts my early praises every once in awhile but I don't expect perfection and with his occasional defiance and cheekiness,

your days are never boring in his company. Then he has those moments when he would sidle up beside you and lay his head on your arm or tummy and look at you as if you're his whole world or gives a dreamy look and sleep right there.

I do hope we will be able to find him a good home with people who will love him unconditionally like us. The day he turned two months, he was in his element, playful and so full of energy!
You will see from the pics I am posting in here. Enjoy them....:)

What happens when a puppy runs out of steam??

Doggie Zzzzzsss.......! :)

* Fei tut tut *

This tiny newcomer…very, very tiny and so, so fragile…was nestled on a folded towel in a box resting on its side beside Sayang. When I came home, I was astonished at the sight!

“Sayang! You sneaky one. I didn’t even know you were pregnant.” I said to her as I dropped everything in my hands and picked up the little fella. “Just one, girl?” I rallied on while checking him out in my hands. She wagged her tail like a proud mum.

He wriggled a bit before settling comfortably in my palms, emitting little sounds. His eyes were tightly closed and I realised… so were his ears. My nephew then told me he had brought him home the day before from school. It was crawling in the carpark area with another and were being attacked by red ants.

So with one free hand left, he brought this fella home whilst his friend took the other. I looked him in the eye and said, “You know we can’t keep him right?”
“Why not?”
“Cos we have too many to handle and you are no help eventually.”
“But I have been taking care…” he spluttered.
“ I know but for how long?” he gave me a sheepish smile after I quoted an earlier example.
“ I am sorry” I said and he nodded as he understood what I was trying to say.

A dirty black he was with patch of white across his chest. He also wore whitish socks and carried a tiny white flag….much to the dismay of those superstitious chinese. Yet to us, he’s been a gem and everyone at home has taken a liking to him immediately.

Gauging from his unopened ears, eyes and size…he was about three days old when he came to us. That same evening I went to get a bottle and milk. They were feeding him with a syringe before then. I gave my nephews lessons in caring for such a young pup and how to make it do its ‘businesses’ as it had no mother to do so. Also, it is all part of hygiene and keeping it free from unwanted problems.

They were quite appalled at the whole thing at first but soon gave in to delight and the teasings they received as proud ‘father’ and ‘uncle’! I took it home with me whenever I was home long enough, more to relieve the maid and also not to let the boys get too attached to it as it had to go to a new home eventually.

True to their personalities, the boys soon left the feeding and cleaning up to the maid and only played with him as when they were off their real passion….computer games and PS2! Yet they still want to keep him but as we all know, ALL puppies are adorable but will you still adore them when they grow up?

This little fella is a definite mongrel but he has developed some very nice colouring likening it to the sled dogs, huskies. Pity we can’t keep him as we have too many here but Thank God, we have found him a home not far from us. A friend says they love dogs and had just lost their own recently, thus the eagerness to have this little one when they heard he needed a good home.

It’s about 7 weeks now since ‘cute cute’ (my nephew) aka ‘fei-tut-tut’, ‘killer’, ‘dow - david oliver wilshire’ (my crazy friends) aka ‘sonny boy’ as in a son to me; has come into our lives and he’s taken hearts wherever he has gone with me.

Yes, he’s a regular traveler whenever he is with me and has played with many different size dogs too. A friend’s cat had actually found his basket irresistibly tempting to jump into for some investigative confirmation that it was not the same species.

He’s grown out of his basket now and today I took him to the vet for a check up. He’d been poked and fed with meds and verdict…healthy and will grow to be a big fella. Got him puppy biscuits and chewable bones to try keep his teething to himself and not on our ankles, pants and us!

He’s become more curious and he’s learning how far he can ignore and barge on with his antics before receiving a tap from his teacher…the paper roll. He’s pretty good considering after his 10-30minutes of mucking about, he goes off to a cool spot and sleeps without bothering you. Frankly, we love to bug him when he’s asleep cos he’s so cute!

He’d groan and stretch and turn away but there we will be picking him up into laps and arms and hugging him, showering him with kisses…..my mum would tell us off but I guess that’s the only time you can do these without being chewed!

Guzz too enjoys playing with him cos he gets to finish Sonny's leftovers and now kindly allows the little fella to nibble into his chomp bowl!

Well, this is Sonny boy aka Fei tut tut ('fatty' in chinese) aka dow aka killer and this is his story of how God sent him to us to love and nurture before his next home. He is a lucky and well loved pup and we hope he will be as loved in his new home.

Wuf!