Tuesday, 8 August 2006

* what's friendship? *

Whenever people tell me how nice I am and that they are rooting for me to meet the right man and settle down blah, blah, blah.....I feel like a hypocrite. I don't feel flattered nor pleased because of the shit that happens to me.

Many times, whenever I get too close with new found friendships, I get the cold treatment from out of the blue for no reason. I usually don't get a chance to ask why or given an answer. I end up getting depressed wondering what happened slowly working up to agitation being shuffed in the cold with no explanation and disappointment at maybe losing a friendship that I thought was going so well.

After I get into the angry zone and don't care to know anymore; most come back as if nothing's happened and expect things to pick up from where they left off. And that's when I get blooming pissed off cos I can't pretend and I end up being the nasty one cos I am not understanding and good enough to let it go.

Heck! Let what go??!!! I was given the cold shoulder; made to feel the cause of the cold ~ whatever it was; made to feel I had probably wronged with my directness and ought to have done something about it...and now I should be more understanding and take the blame (of what?) and put it all behind us like nothing's happened???

I have had enough of this bullshit. It's been happening a bit too often and I am fed up of having to apologise for anything that I might have said or done to offend my 'victims' when I am not even given the chance to know why the cold came about in the first place.

All that I had been during the good times, my good and bad sides; my happiness and problems were all shared from the heart and with sincerity. I accepted my friends with all their good and bad and whatever shit they gave I took in good faith and friendship. If there was anything I didn't like, I would say so. Sometimes eventually, pussy footing to their sensitiveness. Sometimes I don't say anything cos I know they can't accept. But I still keep it going, adjusting to their ways of thinking and not be easily affected by their idiosyncrasies as I have mine too.

I know I too can be a bit much and I try to catch myself in time and apologise accordingly before I hurt them badly. Yet, the gesture is not returned to me in some cases and I still go past it sometimes grumbling but I take it. I don't put people in the cold unless they totally 'up my blood'. They would know cos I would tell them a few times that I am getting annoyed and when they continue to do so, I keep quiet. More so that I don't end up saying the wrong thing.

Most times, these people know I am pissed and they would keep away and somehow look victimised. Me, I just keep quiet, not expecting any apologies or anything. Just some time to cool off and see how. But the others, in good faith try to patch us up. Somehow, I get told off for not being more understanding of my 'victim's' ways and to bring back the warmth!

Why is it that I always have to be the 'one' to make things right when I was wronged in the first place? All these bullshit about being patient and forget about it and take it easy and be the better one, etc.....I end up the bad guy they are trying to reform!

Enough is enough. If a friend gives me the cold shoulder without explaining and later wants things to go back as if nothing happened without resolving the initial problems first....forget it. After having berated myself, my personality and made to look the heel for the whole fiasco created by someone else in the first place.......I have sat in the cold too long to want to listen to any reasoning.

A simple,' Hey friend, sorry about what happened ....'.would have softened me and I would go into a 'yeah, what the hell happened?' and knowing me, I'd be trying to resolve the whole thing asap. But to ignore what happened and start again...that'd be difficult cos I'd still be in the dark about what actually happened and I'd be on my guard more and that would put a strain on the whole friendship thing.

I don't know if I am making any sense here. I am just tired of being misunderstood for my honesty and sincerity and beliefs. I am tired of being everybody's scape goat when they get sensitive. I am tired of trying to solve something I know nothing about. I am tired of being told I am a nice person because I sure as hell don't feel I deserve that at all.

Because for me to feel all this tiredness and being fed up and being put in the cold a few times....I must be a bad person to have this happening to me. So please, I am who I am. Crass, direct and opinionated. Helpful, sincere and willing to listen doesn't necessarily make me a nice person. Sounds more nosy than good.

I only ask for your sincerity as a friend and truth. The rest...we work on it together.

Wednesday, 2 August 2006

* Chirpy chirp Guzz *

~ 02 august 2006 ~

I have to blog this because it's been going on too long. The dog is either too kind or just lazy .

At first it was cute when I noticed some birds would perch on his food bowl and help themselves while he sat a short distance away watching the road. He knew they were there and he was fine with it. Sometimes they'd be on the floor walking about around him while he sits there, smiling.

Yes, my dog has a smile or at least a pleasant face when he is at ease. I live near a school and the kids mostly can't resist calling out at him when he sits at the gate watching them. Many who have waited in front of my place for their rides tend to pat him and the bugger likes it. Some watchdog.

He likes kids and people. Little Vincent from next door, about a year and half years old; is one of Guzz's favourite. When I used to chat with his mum over the fence, Guzz would stand on my flower pots (which stood in between us) for better leverage so as to get a better look at the small boy.

Now Vincent is wobbling around on his own and whenever Guzz hears him outside, he is there paws up on the wall, trying to peer into the other side. Even Vincent is getting used to Guzz and has sometimes put a hand through the fence to touch Guzz. Very touching sight actually, brings tears to your eyes as these two slowly connect....HAHAHAHA

Anyway, back to the birds.....they are a pain. They get together on my gate, 'chirp chirping' non stop at the top of their high voices without any consideration. Sometimes they start so early, I can't sleep. I honestly didn't find them a bother until they started showing their ungrateful side.

Those birds poo everywhere. They poo down my gate, my wall, my car, Guzz's doghouse and even on my porch floor when the car isn't there! It was so annoying cos sometimes by the time I get back, it's been there a couple of days and God knows what they eat, it is quite difficult to totally clean off some of it! Plus these ungrateful free loaders sometimes poo in poor Guzz's water bowl and feed bowl!

Talk about manners. I've been barking at Guzz for some time about it now and he occassionally does a 'shoo' when I am within sight. He even allows Mickey around. My neighbour said he's seen a tiny head bop over the bowl a few times. The dog is sharing his food with the rat!

I once saw a rat run across the front of my house. It saw me coming out and it ran as fast as it could from the direction of my flower pots! And where was my trusted watchdog? Relaxing in the center of the porch and not a twitch when the fella scurried away right in front of his eyes!!

When I shouted then did Guzz realise I was behind him and he quickly did a big show of jumping up and running to where we last saw mickey's tail disappear! Oh..he put up a good show alright, turning abruptly at the scene of disappearance then towards me and then sniffed along the starting trail then again towards me....the whole show took a mere minute before I gave in to the tirade I released on him.

He looked pretty contrite as I berated him about the birds and now mickey. Blah, blah, blah and he just sat there, trying to look as sorry as he could. Two days later, I almost died when I saw Sonny (remember him?) sniffing at something soft near the car door. Guzz had placed the dead mickey in front of the car door so that I won't miss it when I came out! Of course, he was praised and given rewards. I still cringe at how I had to rid off the dead rat. So soft and ...so soft. Urgh!

Anyway, everything is back to the beginning. The birds are back and new mickeys around cos they had actually come into my house and gnawed on the bottom of his biscuits box. And I am back to barking at him about it and he does his song and dance quite a bit since.

Honestly, I don't mind the birds and mickey. As long as they stay outside and not mess up my place or attack my things, it's okay. But my dog....he is just too kind to them and somedays I don't know whether to squeeze every breath out of him in anger or squeeze him with love for his kind soul.


Tuesday, 1 August 2006

* get over it *

~ 01st august 2006 ~

After blogging my fears of an impending trip yesterday, I watched The Skeleton Key starring Kate Hudson. Wasn't a wee bit afraid during or after. The idea was, as I could not sleep, I might as well watch a movie and as this was the nearest, I thought to myself, "why not? Since I am already spooked, maybe this might help."

Well, the only good thing that came out of the whole thing was I managed to sleep through the whole night without waking up several times as usual. Maybe cos I was too exhausted with the lacking and disturbed sleep lately.

My friend offered to book me a room at a hotel nearby but I turned it down as I am travelling in a group. He said he's been to the same hotel many times and nothing has happened to him. Assuring me that room 1002 is haunted cos he's been there! Haha?

Look. I am not saying as if everyone who stays there will by affected by this ghost. It's just a story I heard from friends who knew some people who were and it's all playing in my mind now. That's all.

Why do we let our minds think this way to scare ourselves? It's so stupid is it not? But is that not the trappings of the human mind? Some see things that are not there; some hear voices; some believe themselves incapable of doing certain things when they are in every way capable; some others think they are in full control ( these scare me...:P ); some...like me, have over active imaginations.

Sad really at how we let our minds control us yet that is the one thing we depend on a lot. Our minds keep us informed and thinking and moving. Just that some of us get carried away in other areas brought on by our weaknesses or chemical imbalances in the brain or whatever.

Anyway, I just wanna say ' Thank you ' to my friend for his valiant efforts to appease my mind today. A poor attempt at humour didn't really help as I needed more than words but coming from him who believes it's all in the mind, it was a nice gesture to offer some alternative and his cheers. Though I know that these were not his intentions, I did feel a slap in the face and an underlining message... "get over it" somewhere.

I guess I will have to get over with it as I am still going and I will be on my own and like it or not, face the whole damn shit! I wish I had a simpler mind and am not so easily spooked by these stories...It's not about being tough or strong or about believing in God or being able to handle it but... who am I to say?

So what's the verdict? Just bloody get over it!