* what's friendship? *

Whenever people tell me how nice I am and that they are rooting for me to meet the right man and settle down blah, blah, blah.....I feel like a hypocrite. I don't feel flattered nor pleased because of the shit that happens to me.

Many times, whenever I get too close with new found friendships, I get the cold treatment from out of the blue for no reason. I usually don't get a chance to ask why or given an answer. I end up getting depressed wondering what happened slowly working up to agitation being shuffed in the cold with no explanation and disappointment at maybe losing a friendship that I thought was going so well.

After I get into the angry zone and don't care to know anymore; most come back as if nothing's happened and expect things to pick up from where they left off. And that's when I get blooming pissed off cos I can't pretend and I end up being the nasty one cos I am not understanding and good enough to let it go.

Heck! Let what go??!!! I was given the cold shoulder; made to feel the cause of the cold ~ whatever it was; made to feel I had probably wronged with my directness and ought to have done something about it...and now I should be more understanding and take the blame (of what?) and put it all behind us like nothing's happened???

I have had enough of this bullshit. It's been happening a bit too often and I am fed up of having to apologise for anything that I might have said or done to offend my 'victims' when I am not even given the chance to know why the cold came about in the first place.

All that I had been during the good times, my good and bad sides; my happiness and problems were all shared from the heart and with sincerity. I accepted my friends with all their good and bad and whatever shit they gave I took in good faith and friendship. If there was anything I didn't like, I would say so. Sometimes eventually, pussy footing to their sensitiveness. Sometimes I don't say anything cos I know they can't accept. But I still keep it going, adjusting to their ways of thinking and not be easily affected by their idiosyncrasies as I have mine too.

I know I too can be a bit much and I try to catch myself in time and apologise accordingly before I hurt them badly. Yet, the gesture is not returned to me in some cases and I still go past it sometimes grumbling but I take it. I don't put people in the cold unless they totally 'up my blood'. They would know cos I would tell them a few times that I am getting annoyed and when they continue to do so, I keep quiet. More so that I don't end up saying the wrong thing.

Most times, these people know I am pissed and they would keep away and somehow look victimised. Me, I just keep quiet, not expecting any apologies or anything. Just some time to cool off and see how. But the others, in good faith try to patch us up. Somehow, I get told off for not being more understanding of my 'victim's' ways and to bring back the warmth!

Why is it that I always have to be the 'one' to make things right when I was wronged in the first place? All these bullshit about being patient and forget about it and take it easy and be the better one, etc.....I end up the bad guy they are trying to reform!

Enough is enough. If a friend gives me the cold shoulder without explaining and later wants things to go back as if nothing happened without resolving the initial problems first....forget it. After having berated myself, my personality and made to look the heel for the whole fiasco created by someone else in the first place.......I have sat in the cold too long to want to listen to any reasoning.

A simple,' Hey friend, sorry about what happened ....'.would have softened me and I would go into a 'yeah, what the hell happened?' and knowing me, I'd be trying to resolve the whole thing asap. But to ignore what happened and start again...that'd be difficult cos I'd still be in the dark about what actually happened and I'd be on my guard more and that would put a strain on the whole friendship thing.

I don't know if I am making any sense here. I am just tired of being misunderstood for my honesty and sincerity and beliefs. I am tired of being everybody's scape goat when they get sensitive. I am tired of trying to solve something I know nothing about. I am tired of being told I am a nice person because I sure as hell don't feel I deserve that at all.

Because for me to feel all this tiredness and being fed up and being put in the cold a few times....I must be a bad person to have this happening to me. So please, I am who I am. Crass, direct and opinionated. Helpful, sincere and willing to listen doesn't necessarily make me a nice person. Sounds more nosy than good.

I only ask for your sincerity as a friend and truth. The rest...we work on it together.
Shalom.